Do children need tough love? At some point, every child does something so bad that they must be punished. I love my child but a swat on the bum doesn’t leave long term damage. Or does it?
The controversy over “spanking kids” will go on until well after you and I have left the planet. But I want to talk about “punishment” today. Do you use it? Should you use it?
I used to … and I don’t anymore. Here’s why.
Punishment is PAIN.
It’s usually something that actually hurts a child; either their body or psyche.
Physical
Physical punishment is always something that children don’t like because it hurts them. Every time I spanked my child they learned to fear me a little bit more.
I could see it in their eyes—please don’t hit me mommy—and in their cries, “I’ll never do it again, just please don’t spank me!”
Emotional
Emotional punishment slips out of your mouth like a poisonous snake and strikes with invisible venom.
“How could you be so stupid?”
“You make my life so hard! I wish you were never born!”
“Go to your room. I don’t want to see your ugly face!”
I hear so many parents say they would never hurt their child, but when I listen to them speaking and yelling, it’s obvious they hurt their child every hour. Emotional punishment kills your child’s self esteem.
Fortunately, I’ve never used these types of statements when speaking to my children—and my children still struggle with their self esteem. They have only heard positive support from me. But every day that my child is in school, there are at least 10 students instantly destroying my hard work. It’s a daily process.
Start with a commitment to yourself and your children. “I chose not to punish my children.”
A New Option
You might be thinking, “Ok, Ana, if i can’t punish, what the heck am I supposed to do now? Raising children is hard!”
This is why I developed Easy As Pie™ parenting method. The manual is with my editor as I write this. I’m so excited!
Children learn that the movement of magnetic pie pieces and the resulting task to earn the piece back is not a punishment, it’s the effect combined with a label for a behavior choice. I never punish my children for misbehavior—there’s teaching and learning—it’s soft love. This parenting method makes my children happy. Their fear has been replaced with well deserved respect and love.
Remember: Punishment is Pain.
What About You?
I’m very interested to know—What is your belief about spanking?
Photo credit: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/liquid008
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Great article! I agree, spanking isn’t for me. Sure it’s a quicker and easier way to get your kids to do what you want. Scare the snot out of them. But it’s a bit like crack. Eventually, you’re not going to get the same level of reaction and if you keep spanking long enough, it will likely backfire. Your kids won’t fear you anymore and they sure as heck won’t respect you. Then how do you get them to do what you want?
Controlling your kids with pain and fear is a constant battle. Guiding with love, albeit it takes more work on your part in the beginning, is a much more satisfying and effective way to get your kids to do what you want 🙂
Kirsten,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write!
You’re right, and that is parents’ biggest concern, “How do I get my children to do what I want without being a helicopter parent or a parent who lets everything slide?”
The key to getting your children to do what you want is to find the things that your children find fun—the things they prefer spending time doing—and have your children earn them every day. So your children need to be respectful, kind, helpful, truthful, responsible and cheerful to earn their fun things. Easy As Pie helps you keep track of which one’s they’ve lost or earned.
It’s difficult to be loving to your children when they’re constantly making you mad. Easy As Pie helps you stay calm so you have the patience to guide your children with love.