I sent my teen to school today—knowing that she will probably be getting her first ‘F’.
Justine is a bright, vibrant, and very smart 14 year old. She excels in school and is proud of her good grades. But this last week, she let procrastination take over and failed to get to work on a History paper until the day before it was due.
My Two Sides
The Mom who loves her baby girl wants to save her from this mess. I could just keep her home and let her work today to finish it, right? That’s what my heart wants.
But my head knows that I’m raising an adult, not a child. She won’t have me around to save her when she fails to make a deadline at her first job. She is going to have to deal with her boss’s disappointment (or anger). She needs to learn to negotiate with another authority figure. When she stumbles, she will be the one to pick herself back up.
Moving Forward
But how do you empower a frustrated teen who’s feeling stupid, just wants to give up, and has spiraled into a very bad mood?
The voice in my head was screaming, “See? I told you so!” But you—dear reader—and I both know that wouldn’t be the best strategy. So here’s what we did.
My husband, Cory, and I switched from parent mode to coach mode. We figured out the best keywords for her to use in Google. We helped her interpret confusing graphs and pie charts—and we encouraged her.
I found myself saying a lot of, “You can do this. You’re really smart. You can pull this together. There’s still plenty of time. You can do this.”
And as the hours became dark, she became more fearful and felt locked up. When she said she didn’t know how to write, my advice turned to “Just BS your way through it. Just start writing. It may look like fluff to you, but just write your thoughts.”
The Hard Part
But in the end, she still hadn’t finished by this morning. To her dismay, I drove her to school. She’ll learn that her teacher either sticks to his deadlines or gives grace periods if she uses her reasoning skills with him. We shall see.
This is the really hard part of parenting—watching your child stumble. Somehow it’s easier when they’re toddlers. You just cheer them on, smile big and say, “Wow, that was an awesome tumble!” They’ll follow your lead.
So today, I received an ‘A’ in parenting from my best friend, Kirsten, but I don’t feel better. I don’t think it ever feels good, but these experiences are necessary. It’s ok to let your child fail with the security of your love in your home. And when it’s all over, your arms will be wrapped around them. Your children will learn to move through life’s challenges gracefully.
What do you do when your children procrastinate and get themselves in a bind? I’d love to hear about your experiences.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is such a rock and a hard place! Kudos to you for letting her learn from reality. Working with deadlines and finishing projects even when you have to BS your way through it is a POWERFUL lesson. She may be pissed at you now, but she’ll remember this learning opportunity for the rest of her life. She is well on her way to becoming an adult 🙂
Thank you for that reminder Kirsten! The pain of today will be remembered differently down the road and in a more positive light. We’ve all done a lot of BS’ing in school. The great feeling is when your teacher thinks your BS is worthy of an A! I appreciate your kind words!
You handled the situation like the PRO you are! I understand your feelings because we are parents and we LOVE our kids. But, part of loving them IS teaching raising them to become responsible, contributing, and basically the best “adults” they can be. What an amazing job you are doing as a parent Ana! I LOVE that you gave her the encouragement needed to not let her throw in the towel completely… to let her know that you will always be there for her… that mom and dad are there to help her through things. But, you also loved her enough to have her learn from this as much as it hurt YOU… and as much as you might want to “rescue” your baby. You def. get another “A” from me also! Chin up, you absolutely balanced it all out… you are raising a wonderful young lady, who will be an amazing and successful woman in the future. Still, hugs from one momma to another.
Gigi! Your post brings tears to my eyes! Thank you! I can’t tell you how much your comment means to me today! I definitely feel your love and I am humbled. Huggs!!!!